From Anti-Dependency to our Soft Girl Era: Redefining our Relationship Mindsets

Welcome back to another captivating episode of "Shit Just Got Real". Hosts Alina Gutierrez and Taylor Dini dive into the intricacies of embracing a new mindset in relationships, the soft girl era. 

Get ready for an enlightening conversation as they share recent experiences and offer valuable insights on self-reflection, vulnerability, and the importance of setting early expectations. 

They encourage listeners to overcome their fears and engage in uncomfortable conversations to foster authentic relationships. It's hard, but so worth it!  This episode is a must-listen for those seeking a healthy approach to relationships and the nuances of opening up emotionally.

KEY TOPICS:

I. Approaching uncomfortable conversations 
- Understanding the potential outcomes 
- Being prepared to handle the conversation maturely 
- Maintaining emotional range 

II. Addressing someone who is still admired and considered a friend 
- Importance of not completely closing the door on the person 
- Acknowledging their potential role in one's life 

III. Dating mindset and setting expectations 
- Discussing changes in approach to dating
 - Importance of setting standards and communicating value in relationships 
- Avoiding partners who won't commit or don't treat you well 

IV. Dependency in relationships 
- The difference between healthy dependence and codependency 
- Experiencing hyper-independence and questioning its implications 
- Trusting and depending on people in our lives 

V. Vulnerability and communication 
- The difficulty of being vulnerable and having uncomfortable conversations 
- The importance of vulnerability in building meaningful relationships 
- Avoiding false promises and seeking clarity in relationships 

VI. Pursuing meaningful relationships 
- Acknowledging potential pain and disappointment in the search 
- Setting personal values and boundaries to find compatible partners 
- Rejecting casual encounters in favor of meaningful connections 

VII. Emotional processes and growth 
- Relationship experiences that led to personal growth 
- Learning to let someone love you and fostering emotional openness 
- Struggles with vulnerability and expressing feelings 

VIII. Balancing grief and learning from losses 
- Alina's approach of finding the positive and learning from bad experiences 
- The difficulty of processing emotions after heartbreak 
- Remaining vulnerable in the face of pain and trauma 

IX. Investing effort and intention in relationships 
- Reflecting on past relationship patterns and self-reflection 
- Rediscovering the desire for deep, thoughtful relationships 
- Being clear with oneself and others about desires and intentions 

X. Temptations and the risk of reverting to old habits 
- Friends warning against falling back into past behaviors -
 Amusing friends' ability to predict one's behavior 
- Resisting the temptation to revert to old habits for intentional relationships 

XI. Balancing criteria with humanity in partner selection 
- Overlooking potential connections due to rigid criteria 
- Considering the humanity of individuals beyond checkboxes

With love,
A + T

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@shitjustgotrealpodcast
@taylordini
@alinaa.gutierrez

Transcript

0:04

Y'all ready for this? Y'all ready for this? Welcome back, you guys. Welcome back. It just got real. I'm super excited for this podcast episode just because the topic that we chose is actually about relationships. S. And I know that we've gone on here a couple of times to talk about relationships and where we're at in our headspace when it comes to them, but I feel like I'm a very different person now compared to even, honestly, like a month and a half ago. Which is kind of crazy, because those who have been listening to our older episodes know that I have definitely been in my intentional ho phase. We love an intentional ho. We love an intentional ho. Again, you guys have seen me be very open about being intentional with your fun phase and figuring out who you are and having, I guess, multiple partners, but obviously practicing safely. I feel like, relationship wise, you've tried everything. Yeah. And you went at whatever you were trying. Full force. 100%. Yeah. Literally full force. And I think I went from ten years of committed relationships not with the same person, but there were three different ones, and that took a ten year window out of my life to that young adulthood yeah. To then switching it up and then being like, no, now I want to be alone and date around. And it wasn't even date around because it wasn't like I was going on dates with people. It was more of like, I just wanted to have fun and figure out what it is that I wanted. You needed to not care, and then there be no pressure. I needed to not be in a. Relationship, to do something or go out and not have to come home and deal with it. Yeah. It was like you were able to kind of be free, even though you might not normally do the things that you were doing. It was like because you were allowed to. You were like, I'm going to, because it's just a newfound freedom, almost, that you hadn't had really ever, because as an adult, you hadn't yeah. You'd never had that as an adult before, I think. Yeah, no, I completely agree with you on that. I think that because I was so used to being in relationship after I was literally a serial relationship person, I went from a two year relationship to a five year relationship to a three, four year relationship, and I finally pumped the brakes as soon as 2020 hit. And I don't think that that was a coincidence, considering we're all going on lockdown and then had to deal with our thoughts. But during that time, I remember just thinking about how I wanted to just learn about myself and the things that I wanted, and now I'm in a very different phase, and it finally came out of my mouth, specifically about two, three weeks ago, I met someone that was incredibly kind, super amazing. And I realized that whatever the couple of interactions that we had, I kind of noticed a shift in myself that I was like, oh my God, I really forgot how much I missed spending time with someone and being in deep thought, being taken out to dinner. I think you're going about it differently though, because I didn't know you in your past relationships. But I do know that when those relationships dissolved, it was like when you finally came to a point where you needed to voice everything that you were feeling like you held a lot in. And I think where you're kind of going into dating and looking for a relationship differently now is you're intentional and not doing that. And it's really uncomfortable to, oh, my God, start dating someone. And especially when it's so new and set a standard of what you expect and how you expect to be treated, like setting your value, it's really an uncomfortable conversation. And I know it was even as you did it, then you were overthinking and then you were texting me and I'm like, no, you did it exactly right. And I think a problem that a lot of us sort of go through when dating is we have this list in our head of what the guy has to have. And I'm not talking about physical attributes or financial, I'm just talking about them as a human being who they have to be. And we have this list and then we're sitting with ourselves like, why can't I meet a person who meets this list? And I think that a lot of that responsibility falls on us because it's kind of like you attract what you. Attract, what you are. So if you're not those things on your list, good luck finding that. But it's not even so much that it's that. I think a large part of it too, is that we set the tone for how we're going to be treated in a dynamic when we are dating right off the bat. 1000% by you. By Alina. So Alina was newly talking to a guy and she early on had a conversation that she was intentionally looking for a relationship. She doesn't want to do friends with benefits. She doesn't want it to be, although. It started off as friends with benefits. Yeah, and then I completely switched up like three weeks later. But I think it was great that even though there was worry there, that, oh, he might not respond. Like, maybe I shouldn't have done that. That you absolutely should have. Because if you don't set those standards, if you don't mark your value in the beginning, then the person that you're dating is never going to meet you at your they're going to meet you, respond to your value, of how you value yourself. So it's fine if you go on a date and then you want to go hook up with the guy and then just go through that rotation. But if you're not intentional about communicating what it is exactly that you want in a dynamic, you're either a going to be fishing around with a guy who's never going to commit and then you're going to wonder why in six months they never committed because you never set that precedent. Or you're going to be with a guy that isn't treating you the way you want to be treated. And then you're going to ask yourself, why am I not being treated the way I want to be treated? Well, you never demanded that. You need to, I think, command yourself worth. And if you are going into something and you just want it to be a hookup, then be my guest. Go do that. I think the point that you're trying to make is that you have to be extremely clear from the very beginning, one with yourself, but then again with the person that you're either interested in being friends with benefits or in a relationship or whatever it is that you want to do. But the point is I think that in order for me to expect more out of someone else, I had to be extremely clear with myself. And that was something that I had not done in a hot second. And it took this one person for me to take a deep look and be like, okay, am I being intentional? Because I don't think that I was. And why am I getting frustrated when all I keep attracting are people that are wanting to do friends with benefits? Which at one point I was totally okay with, but I'm not in that phase anymore. And so in order for me to honor the phase that I'm in right now and for me to be more intentional with that phase, that means that I now need to have a hard look in the mirror and say, what is it that I'm looking for? And then after that have to actually communicate it to that person. Which is it was the hardest thing I've ever had to do because I haven't had to have that conversation in so long before. Dude, I kid you not. And guys, this was a face to face conversation which is like, I'm not hiding behind a phone. We're literally out. And I spilled it all out. I was like, hey, just want to let you know I know that this is what I agreed to a couple of weeks ago, but I've had a complete shift in mindset. This is why and this is what I want and this is what I need. And he took his time to process. Unfortunately, he couldn't meet me there. And I respect him just for even having the conversation of being honest with me, of why he can't meet me there. And I think this is another route of the conversation that I want to take to today is when someone can't meet you where when you set your value. It's okay if you can't be met where you need to be met, someone. Else is going to meet you there. Yeah. And I could have completely taken this and been super offended, and I could have caused a scene, and I could have been like, no, fuck you, blah, blah. That's the normal reaction, I think, half the time with women. And I think that's part of the problem as to why men don't like to be honest is because, well, if I'm honest with you, then you're going to go all crazy. And it's like, well, maybe if we started treating men with the respect of thank you so much for being honest with me, because that's brave. It's not something that every man can do. Then more men will do it. Yeah. Because then you're not going to get the false promise of, oh, you're not being let on. But another thing, though, is I do think that there are situations when it does have to do with you, the reason the person doesn't want to be with you. And it's not necessarily that doesn't mean you have to change yourself in order to make it work with this person. But sometimes, just as we as women or anyone aren't interested in someone who's interested in us, the other person you're interested in may not be interested in you that way, and that's okay, and it sucks, but you're not going to find that out unless you're vulnerable and you have that conversation. You set your value. But that is like the hard part, I think, a huge hard part and a fear that a lot of people have that prevents them from being vulnerable and having those communications because it hurts. It's hurtful even. And it doesn't matter. Time doesn't justify anything. You could be talking to someone for two weeks, for two days. If you have a vulnerable conversation and it's not received the way that you wanted it to be received, that's going to hurt. It's like an ego bruise, too, for sure. Its own sort of heartbreak. And it's kind of like, oh. And then I think something that's so important, though, which I talked about alina with, is you can't turn it off after that. If you get hurt, you can't then turn it off for the next person. Because if there's anything that's so important to take out of that, it's that you have to remain vulnerable even when you're in pain. And then when you're ready to start meeting people again, don't use some past trauma as an excuse to validate yourself not having those conversations. Because then you're going to go back into that cycle and meet people and then continually ask yourself, why can't I find a relationship? Why can't I find my person? You have to put in work and effort into doing like it's it's funny. Because I think I had you and three of my guy friends just telling me, don't go back to your old habits. They're like, we already know you, Alina. Don't go back to your bullshit. And I'm laughing because I'm like, they know me so well that I could have literally taken that situation and been like, yeah, never mind. No, let me just go back to my whole phase. And even today I'm joking about it with you in the bathroom. You're 1000% correct when it's like, just because you didn't get the response that you wanted doesn't mean that you should go back to your old habits, especially if you really do want something that's intentional. And the whole point of keep going is you're going to get hurt and things are not going to work out and it's going to happen until it's only supposed to happen one time. It's going to be 50 50. So until you find your person 50% of the time, most likely you're going to end up with some sort of pain at the other end of it. But I think you'll absolve yourself of a lot of pain and you'll be able to weed out, like you were saying, the people that aren't for you when you set your value immediately out the gate every time. And if what you want is a relationship, then on the weekends when you go out, don't be looking for one night stands, don't be going out and having a friend and that you're hooking up with. And then all of a sudden you catch feelings and then you're like, oh. Wait, I'm not for the streets anymore. We do ourselves such a disservice because it's the whole pain and pleasure complex of we choose temporary pleasure over temporary pain, but that temporary pain and discomfort is how we get to long term pleasure, but instead we're choosing temporary pleasure for long term pain. And I think when you look at it that way, sometimes you're like, oh my gosh, I'm being so silly. Why wouldn't I just do that? But it's hard, and I think it's just reminding ourselves that we have to do the hard thing and we have to have the uncomfortable conversations in order to actually meet someone that we want to meet. And I don't know, I feel like a lot has happened in the last I think I've come to we both completely like, I don't know, this is what dating was like for Taylor and Alina for the last few years, literally. And now I'm finally like, I'm dating someone. But it was hard for me to even say that out loud to people because I think in the past I've been consistently treated poorly in relationships and I put up with a lot and I forgive easily when I care about someone. And I think now my epiphany moment with the person that I'm seeing now was that who I even broke up with? Because I don't think that I ever actually new how to let someone love me. I knew how to love someone else. I knew how to compromise and respect, and I could be loyal and I'm trustworthy. I knew how to do all the things that is one side of the relationship of me loving the other person and what that's supposed to look like. But I didn't actually know how to receive love or be genuinely loved by someone. And I think because I'm so hyper independent, that whenever anyone did that, especially with the person I'm with now, I was so icked out in the beginning. I didn't know how to receive it. I was like, what's happening? I don't like this. It's uncomfortable for you because it's something that you're not used to. Yes. And then it took me breaking up with that person because I felt claustrophobic. I felt like things were changing very quickly, and suddenly it felt like pressure. And in my head, for some reason, in my head, if you're going to be dating someone, like, in a real relationship, in my head, it's like, that means you want to marry that person. When the conversation that I had with the person I'm seeing now, he was like, I don't want to marry you. And I was like, what? What do you mean? Like, bruise my ego? He's like, no. Offended. The reason that we're dating is to see if we could ever grow to the point of wanting to marry each other. That's why you date. And I was like, oh, well, you're. Literally trying to skip a whole bunch of subs. Yeah, but that's where my mind would go, and that's why I would panic and all of a sudden get claustrophobic. I'm like, you want to date me? What? But no man I've ever really had deep feelings for ever wanted to actually date me. It kind of brings me back to the commentary of your exes oh, my gosh. Of them saying that they wanted to marry you and you're the wifey, and they wanted to get you. But I was always wifey. They want to marry me, but I'm not the right now. That's for after their ho phase. And I was like, what the hell does that mean? For the first time, I'm with someone that is respectful and intentional and listens and shows up. They're available when I want to see them. That's new for me. So I ended up breaking up with them. Like, cutting at ties. It was all too much, and it was too fast. But then it took a fling thing, whatever it was, who came back into my life, just ran into them. We're talking, catching up, and I'm looking because part of the reason I broke up with them is because I'm spewing reasons as to why this good thing can't work out. And then I see this other person I used to talk to, and I'm like, oh, my goodness. Why did I think that I wanted those things? Because that's what those things look like. And I want nothing to do with that. That is toxic. That is terrible. I don't deserve that. And it made me appreciate the person that I'm with now even more. And it kind of got the wheels turning in my head again. Like, why is it if I say I love this person, they've become my best friend? They are everything that I want in the way I want to be treated on paper. Why don't I want that? And then time went on, and it was slow. And then he was respectful of my boundaries and my time, and he was patient. And then I was like, hi, remember me? I'm back. I'm back. It became a slow growth where I'm a hopeless romantic, so a part of me expects everything to be instant. Like, I'm going to wake up and know, and if I don't know right away, I'm like, no, I don't want it. And part of what I'm learning is there's a deeper connection there. But this slow growth, the slow evolution of the relationship that I'm in now is like, we're creating a deeper connection, and we're forced to there's levels to it. Yeah, obviously. You know, when you have a connection to someone. But I do think that there are levels to it of like, holy shit, this goes even deeper and deeper and. Deeper, and you constantly surprise yourself, and you're like, wow, I'll whatever. Wake up one week and be like, wow, I think I like him more than I did last week. I think I care about this person even more. It's weird. It's like the evolution of that. So I surprised myself there, and I definitely had an epiphany moment, which I talked to him about too, because I was like, I just don't think I ever knew how to receive you. I was overwhelmed. The second that you started being the person that I've been asking for, I was like, I've never had to deal with that. I'm used to dealing with it's like. A shock to the body, because, again, you're just not used to that. So when you do get it, you don't even know how to react to it. Yeah, it's like when my comfort was toxic. That'S sugar coating a babe. I know, but, like, genuinely toxic toxic. And that's what I was used to. That's all I've ever known. So it was a really effed up pattern in that when your comfort, what you're used to and what's comfortable for you, is something that's so unhealthy, what's uncomfortable for you is something that's healthy. So when you get the healthy thing and the good thing, it takes a lot of work to learn to be comfortable in something healthy. It's like, all backwards. And that's where I think a lot of the self sabotage comes in. Oh, my God. Yes. Because I'm so uncomfortable in something that is genuine and healthy and good that I want to ruin it. Yeah. It's just crazy. And I knew that I knew I had my taste in men was poor. I don't know. I think that what the biggest leap for me was, where I had growth was when I finally got to a place where I was comfortable, and I'm not always comfortable. It's still touch and go. I have my days, I have my good days, my bad days. But I, one, realized that I didn't know how to be loved by someone, how to accept it, and two, just being patient with it, I guess. Yeah. And having more grace, not running. When something like when someone shows up. While we've really come away. Yeah. It's actually really crazy to think about how far no, not how far, how many times. I have personally changed and you have personally changed when it comes to your relationship style. We've shed a lot of skins, like. To go from a serial dater to an open relationship type of person to ho phase. We are like the opposite. Yeah. I'm going backwards and not backwards. Yeah, you're growing. I'm going in the way that it's meant for me. I don't like to put myself in a box of, like, this is how it's supposed to go. No, I'm going to do what's good for me in whatever phase of life that I'm in. And I think that for someone who had just gotten out of relationships, that was ten years worth of her life, open relationships and whole phase was exactly what I needed. It was like, this was your freedom. This was what was available to you. So you were going to use up every inch of that freedom and push those limits. Yeah. I think you needed it. Oh, my God. Honestly, I don't regret it, but I. Don'T think that's who you are. And I think for a minute there, you thought you were this type of person, but I don't think that's who you are. I think that you just needed to experience every single one of the things you experienced. Yes. And now you're coming to a conclusion. You're like, I don't think I want that. Yeah. I think, again, it was good for me. Shut the fuck up. Yeah. So there's like a running joke between all my guy best friends. Whenever I have this conversation of where I'm at dating wise, they like to make fun of me. And they're like, You've always been just I'm like, what do you mean? And they're like, Alina, you've always been soft. Like, you've always wanted to be in a relationship and blah, blah and have the whole thing. You just weren't being honest with yourself. And to go back to what we were talking before, of having that very meaningful and honest conversation with yourself about what it is that you want, I really don't think I was being honest with myself. I think I've been wanting this for a while now. I want to say it's been for about a year now that this is what I've wanted to be intentional with one person, to be taken out on dates, to find someone that inspires me, that motivates me, that I want to spend time with. And that doesn't mean that I need to be with them 24/7, but I want that. Yes, 1000. I want all of it independently dependent. Yeah. And I don't think that it's so weird because I feel like when people say that out loud, they just think, what the hell? Like, what? But it's normal to want that eventually. And it's funny. Humans yeah, I think we all want that. Yeah. I feel like a lot of people think that age is one of the reasons why you start to think that you want those things. Like, for instance, me, I'm turning 30 this year, and I don't care about turning 30. I'm not that type of woman that's like, oh, I'm turning 30, everything's downhill. No, I'm so excited to get into my thirty s to see the version of myself that comes out with that. I don't ever put pressure on myself when it comes to relationships because of my age. So it's like really being clear as to why you want this. It has nothing to do with any outside circumstances. It has to do with just me wanting to have intentional time with someone else. Well, yeah. You want to settle down. Yeah. What I've learned with myself, too, is that I'm an overthinker. Yeah, you are. And a huge thing for me is to not think so much. You don't have to try to dissect everything or as it's happening, you don't have to overthink it so much. Because I think sometimes we get in our own way when we do. Well, it's funny that you say that, because when I was telling you how I wanted to have this conversation with this person, you said to just take a step back and let and go with the flow. Wait, what are we talking about? When I said that I wanted to have an intentional conversation about what I wanted, you said to take a step back and just go with the flow first. I did? Yeah. I said not to have the conversation correct. You said, first go with the flow, see how it goes, which 1000%. I understood why you said it because it was so fresh and so new. You were like, it kind of came from a way of why do you need to force or rush? And it wasn't was this the night you had the conversation? No, it was a couple of weeks. Before when I was saying go with the flow. Like, just, whatever, see what unfolds. Yeah, I think it was when I was telling you to yeah, he's not your normal type, but don't write him off. Like, just go with okay, that makes more sense. I took it as go with the flow. Like, don't rush into anything and don't have a conversation no. Where I was like, I don't know. I can't be out here going with the flow if I already know myself and if I already like this person this much. Now I can't even imagine if I were to do this whole friends with benefits thing. Yes. Disaster. That's not what I meant. I just meant, like, don't cut yourself off from this guy. Okay. Because I think he was outside of your box you were putting yourself in. Correct. Because I think us saying that we have a type is just a box that we put. Oh, my God, it really is. And I'm so not doing that ever again. But that's what I meant with that. And I think you did everything perfectly, because looking back at all the other conversations, we had a huge thing, too, that I was pushing you was like, don't shut down after. And I kept telling you how proud I was of you for having the conversations had, because you handled it exactly the way, if you want to get out what you want of a relationship, you handled that perfectly. Yeah. Even though it didn't end necessarily or where you're at right now was not where you wanted to be. You handled it perfectly. Yeah. Uncomfortable and hard. It was extremely uncomfortable. It was a conversation that I haven't had to have in literally years. And it's going in with the mindset of, like, this is literally a 50 50 chance. It could either go my way or it could go the complete opposite. Regardless, I have to be okay with if it doesn't go my way, I'm going to be an adult, and I'm going to react in an appropriate, I think, manner for my emotional range. It's someone that I still admire, someone that I'm still friends with. And I think that that's also a pretty important aspect to it, too, is don't close the door fully. Maybe they're in your life for another reason. You just don't know what it is. Yeah. And that's okay, too. Well, timing is a huge aspect of things because when I met Zach, I was like, oh, my gosh. I was excited. I was like, who is we were all at my parents after the boat, whatever, hanging out, and I wanted to know him. I went on his Instagram, and I'm like, this assholes on private. That's super disrespectful. Well, what's funny is I've been following this guy for, like, a year. I know, but then literally, like, a year followed me, but I didn't see it because I never checked my notifications. Yeah, because you're just but then an entire year goes by. Yeah. And it's like, we both had interest immediately, but bad timing. Then he got into a relationship after that. Wait, really? Well, he briefly dated someone, like, he was together, like, seeing another girl, whatever. And then I was like, oh, damn. Lost out on that one. And then they stopped, and then we. Rekindled in whatever. It was, like, November. Okay. Because I lost my kid at a wedding, found him on the dance floor, and he was with Zach, and I was like, what are the odds? Oh, that's so cute. And I was like, that's adorable. I know. Way to go, Dale. I know. What a wingman. Dayo knows more. He has good intuition. He really does. Lives on the moon, everyone. Another thing I want to touch on is it's okay to feel literally like a thousand different emotions at once when this happens, because oh, my God. I don't know. I don't want it to come off as a dig or anything. Here we go. But I think Alina's used to. Okay. Alina is in Chicago. Nightlife. Alina's, you're pretty well known. Every time. I've never been anywhere where Alina doesn't know. And we every single time we go out, some random man falls in love with you. I don't think you're used to I. Don'T think this is true, but okay. And I could be wrong, but I think usually when you're into a guy, it takes 30 minutes, and that guy is into you. Every time we've been out well, we've never gone out. And a guy you've wanted has never reciprocated ever that I've been with you. What are you talking about? I'm just saying that I think it might have been even more uncomfortable because usually guys in the last since I've known you have been chasing FB. No, I think it's the complete opposite. I think the problem is that it's so hard for me to find someone that I connect with that quick because I go based off of energy. I can't explain it to people. It's just I know immediately whether I like someone or not. So new, you're like, no real feelings. So it's like it's so rare for me to find someone like that. And all the times that I have found someone, they all live out of state. Oh, yeah. The past two years, the two people that I was interested in, they don't live here. So I'm like, oh, my, why are you what have I done? Okay, so then when your real feelings, when you're like, oh, that hits me deeper. And now you're like, oh, do I actually want to do this? Because that's scary. Yeah, okay, that makes sense. That makes sense. When things don't go the way that you had hoped, it's okay to feel 1000 feelings at once. Because I was both frustrated. I was sad. I was also still trying to do this whole mind game that I always do of like, well, what's the upside of this? There has to be a good side of this. And the good side is that I learned a lot in the minimal interactions that we had. I think that it was important for me to really feel out everything that I needed to feel out, but then also just remind myself, like, it's okay and whatever's meant to be is going to be no matter what. I think that entire experience was growth in so many ways. One, you took yourself out of a box of having a type. Yeah. And you felt a genuine deep connection with someone you never saw yourself otherwise going for. Yeah. And you took the time and you were patient in pursuing that someone. You would never physically off the bat just be like, I'm going for him if we just saw him at a club. And you never exchanged like, I'm proud that you took yourself out of that box of this is my type. Because you don't have a type. I really don't. But Alina, it's weird because you go off of energy with everything except for you put yourself as having a type when it comes to who you're dating. I think it's great that you didn't do that. And two, you challenged no, let me. Rephrase that for you. It's not that I was going for a type. It's that I was trying to avoid a specific type of person. Okay. And that is I don't normally date Hispanic men, so it's not that I'm putting myself in a box. It's more that I'm trying to avoid a box. Yeah. And by not doing that, I actually. Ended up so you put him in a box. Yeah, I guess. And so you were avoiding the box that you put him in. Correct. But you didn't avoid it because pushed yourself. I think that's growth. Growth in you setting the tone early on, having a conversation you really didn't want to have and you stuck by it. When you didn't get the response that you wanted, you didn't take it. Didn't I could have been like, oh, no, just kidding. Let's just keep doing what we're doing. Absolutely not. No growth in the alina, the second you feel pain, you're instantly like, how am I going to grow from this? What's the positive of this? Why did this happen? I'm going to find a good reason. Sometimes you just have to let yourself be sad and let yourself cry. And that talking to you was one of the first times you and I were talking and you were just like, it sucks. Yeah, it did. I'm not even going to share about. That crying, but I'm crying and it sucks. And I'm like, yeah, that effing sucks. And it's just going to suck for a minute. Yeah. And I think you were really accepting of it, just sucking for that little. Period for that week. Yeah. But then you were able to move from it. But I think we have to give grace to all of our emotions because in order to feel the positives and the goods, we also have to be thankful for the negative things that happen because we're more appreciative of all of. The good that does come into our lives. Yeah. No, I agree. And I think that if I did take that route of going back to my old habits. How am I supposed to expect a different outcome from doing the same thing over and over and over? Oh my gosh, that's like a life. It just doesn't make any sense. So I'm like, you know what, I'm going to stick to it. I'm going to keep going in the direction that I know that I need to go in order to get the outcome that I want. So it sucks guys, but it's worth it. But it's literally like anything else in life with manifesting and whatever. Where your mind goes, energy flows and results show. Yeah, that's what my dad always says. Where your mind goes, energy flows, your results show. And that's with everything. So where your mind with relationships? And you have to choose every single time you find someone that you like to choose to be vulnerable, knowing that you can get your heart broken. But I think you and I were also at the root searching for the same thing from where we started from when we were young. Yeah, we just went about it different ways. Yeah. It's funny, I feel like this interaction too, like this crossing of paths with this person also kind of taught me of the things that I want in another person. And I think he taught you that there was a part of you maybe that did want that, aspects of that connection, but you started to think that maybe that wasn't a thing. And then I think he sparked that again. Oh my God, no, that's still out there. Yeah. And I can have that with someone. Not only can you have that with someone, you had that with someone who is not your person. So imagine having that with someone who is your person. Yeah, it's funny that you say that. I think I'm just tired of being an option too. I think too, it's like a thing to be said about that circumstance didn't end up the way you wanted it. To, but it was handled in the way that I wanted it to. Exactly the way you wanted it to. Which goes to this question specifically of how do you reconcile understanding someone's inability to meet you, where you're at with the pain of not having your needs met? And you can perfectly answer that question in that way of yeah, it didn't go in the way that I wanted it to go, but it was handled in the perfect way that I needed it to be handled in, because any other male could have completely taken advantage of that situation and be, like, stringing me along. And that wasn't what happened here. So I have so much respect for that. Yeah, it's almost like it's not even a reconcile of understanding. Yeah. It was intentional. And even though it wasn't what you wanted to hear, it was the truth. It was what I needed to hear. He didn't tell you what you wanted to hear, and it be and then. Have the friendship ruined because of yeah. So we're going to close out the podcast with a few questions that we'd like to answer. So how do you constructively utilize disappointment as a tool for personal growth rather than allowing it to breed bitterness or cynicism? And I kind of think with that question, when disappointment is involved in something, I think, yes, it hurts more when we're disappointed, it's a reminder that our needs are not being met. And it's also like a reminder of a pat on the back of self awareness. Like, your needs aren't being met and you are aware of it. This is what I need to do now to get those needs met. Yeah. Or it's just a reminder that these are my needs and I will not settle for them. So going forward, when we're meeting someone new, you're able to set your value. I also think there's grace involved in that, but I think disappointment is a good thing. I think for me, rejection is redirection. And I know it's like, when you're in the thick of it, of that rejection, it is not easy to remember that. But I always try to remind myself that if it's not meant for me right now or maybe ever, maybe there's something else that's a lot better coming for me. Yeah. But in terms of where Alina was going with rejection, it's a power tool for growth also in the sense that, yeah, rejection is redirection. But why are you like, I think asking yourself why is a huge thing. Because are you feeling disappointed because you actually had genuine feelings for this person and your heart's hurting? Because I think a lot of the time it could have to do with ego as well. So is it your ego that's bruised or is it your heart that's hurting or kind of figuring out why you're disappointed? I think with the next question, is there a way to safeguard your emotional well being without shutting down? Your ability to be soft and vulnerable is actually really good for me to answer, because the running joke is for me to not go back to my hard ways, quote, unquote. Do you think that is a contradictive question? Yeah. Because how are you going to safeguard your emotions and still remain soft and vulnerable? Like, you can't yeah, you can't really safeguard if you're going to be soft and vulnerable. But I think that's the answer. Yeah, that is the answer in itself. And I think that's the question people keep on presenting. It's okay to remain soft and it's okay to remain vulnerable, even when in that initial experience, it didn't go in the way that you wanted it to go. It's okay. Don't let that stop you from keeping you open. Literally. It's like a fight or flight instinct. Yeah. I mean, the easier route would have been for me to go back to my old habit or be like, oh, no, I'm fine with what we're doing, it's fine. But then I wouldn't be honoring what I want or how you feel. Yeah. If I think of my intention, it brings me back to that thought of I can't get a new outcome by doing the same thing over and over again. So that means that I have to stick with this new way of thinking and this new way of being and this new way of acting. Yeah. So I guess the answer is no. There is not a way to safeguard your emotional well being without shutting down your ability to be soft and vulnerable. The answer is no. And I don't think there should be. Be soft, be vulnerable, do it all, do it all. But we're in our soft girl eras. Yeah, but we're also not naive that it's effing hard and it sucks having to be soft girl. It's hard. It's hard. You don't want to do it most of the time, but it's worth it. It's worth it. I'm thinking I don't know yet. More reflection and uncomfortableness. Oh, my pain involved in it. But what you reap you sow kind of thing where like the bigger the risk, the bigger reward. That's the phrase I was looking for. Yeah. How do you ensure the pain of past relationship doesn't harden you or close you off to the future opportunities? That's hard because it's like I don't even feel like I'm equipped to answer it because I think for so many years the pain of past relationships hardened me and closed me off to future opportunities in every sense of the word, for sure which way the other like every way it could have, it did. And I don't even think I realized it. But to be fair, where you're at right now is very different from where you were a year ago. Yes. I think you've learned that lesson of not letting it harden you anymore because not everyone is going to be like your past. No. Yeah, but I just don't know how to ensure I don't know how to answer that because I don't know how I did it. I think therapy helped. Yeah. Lots of therapy, lots of reminding yourself. That I think learning to identify, accepting. To be loved, I think that's where it also steps for you. It's always in those little epiphanies that you have. And I think it's like another thing that I learned was like, dependency isn't a bad thing, it's not unhealthy. And I think that's what I had to learn was we all need to depend on people in our lives. We have to be able to trust someone enough to depend on them. But I think codependency and hyper dependent relationships are unhealthy. And I've always looked at that as, oh my gosh, that will never be me. And I had a hyper independent outlook on life and everything relationships involved with that. So I became antidependent. But antidependent is literally just anti relationship connection, anything? No, I agree with you on that, especially because I'm the same way as you, where it's like hyper independence. And I realize that that stems from a survival mechanism. It literally is a survival. It's a survival thing. And there's nothing wrong with depending on other people. Both. I mean, it can be family, it can be relationships, it could be friendships. Whatever it is, you don't need to do everything by yourself. And you know what I learned? I almost said fight or flight in therapy was hyper independency is essentially you're always in fight or flight mode. Yeah. You are always in fight or flight mode, which is not a way to live. Nope, I just got goosebumps. It's an awful way to think. That's something we've both done constantly living in fight or flight mode. You do not allow yourself to be soft and to be seen. And I think Alina and I are alike in the way that we're harder. I guess we can come off harder. But Alina is one of the most emotionally in tuned, soft loving people I know. I know when she needs a hug and she really just wants to be hugged, but she won't ask for a hug. That kind of I know in relationships you are that soft loving person, but it's like when you're always in fight or flight mode, that person doesn't come out. It's also when you don't have someone that gives you the space to be soft. It's really hard for you to do that as a woman, especially. So then it's like, how do you take yourself out of fight or flight mode when you're around someone who isn't allowing you to feel that safe space? Well, if I don't have that safe space, I'm not going to be around you. I don't have interest in you. If I don't feel safe in your presence, then it's not for me. This question is such an Alina thing. So learning from losses and gaining perspective, how do you balance allowing yourself to mourn a loss while also trying to extract a valuable lesson from the experience? And I think that this is something I try to remind you of, which Alina is very good at. The second something bad happens or something that causes you pain, her immediate reaction is to what's good out of this? How am I going to find the good out of this? What's the positive? Why did this happen? It happened for a reason, which I think is great, but I also think that at times it disallows you to feel the emotions that I read process that you need to go through in order to see that. Yeah, no, you're not wrong. It's funny because I told myself when all this happened, I was like, talking about this. I was like, I'm going to give myself three days. And then I gave myself three days and I was like, yeah, no, I need a week. Bumps. Because I didn't even know this question was in here, and we were just. Having a conversation about this. Yeah. I was like, I need a full week. I really need to think about what just happened. I need to feel what I need to feel, essentially, which is whatever. I was upset, confused, disappointed, for sure. Hurt. I'm going to say it because if not, Taylor will. And I do think it was important for me know, give myself the space to really feel all that out, because she's not wrong. I'm immediately the type of person that goes to thinking, well, what do I need to learn from this? I don't even know if I would say balance is the right word in this situation because I think that the two work together, but they're separate. Mourn the loss. Yeah. And when you are done mourning the loss, look at the lesson. You can find the valuable lesson in the experience, but you have to allow yourself to mourn that loss first. And obviously, we all know when we start to get into the habit of the pity party, of feeling bad for ourselves, letting time go by, whatever, mourn the loss and then move on. Yeah. I think that the two coincide. You can't have one without the other. Yeah, I think they definitely work together. Yeah. Something I've learned at least is sometimes it's not some world renowned valuable lesson. The only lesson I learned was that that was a shit person that I did not need in my life. And it took all of these shitty things happening from this person for me to realize, oh, my God, this person should not be in my life. Go away. Yeah, mine was. Oh, you think you still want friends with benefits? Here you go. Here's another one. Let's see. I was going to make a bad joke. What I was going to say, not only is he going to really connect, he's going to be Latino. Shut the fuck up. Try me. Now put yourself in a box while you're all right. Last two. Okay, shoot. Okay, so there's two questions here, and I think they kind of correlate, but the first is, how does one define and maintain clarity about what they want in a partner? I think it's important to have that list in your head of what you need out of a person. Otherwise, I think if we don't, we're setting our value. We're setting a value for our partner. You want a blueprint? Yeah, a little bit, which is important. I think a part of that, I think, is like with anything. When you start to focus so much on a list, you start to take humanity out of it, and the human that's in front of you becomes more of like a list, a box to check. You stop looking at people as humans with problems and emotions and their own traumas. And things that they've gone through, and you start looking at them as a box to check. So I think it's important, it's extremely important to sit down with yourself and ask yourself, what do you want in someone and why? But I think we can't look at it so black and white and so sterile, because a lot of times we might say one thing or you won't do this, or you won't go for this person, or you have to go for someone like this. But then you meet someone and you deeply connect with someone, and they check every other box, but you're preventing yourself from pursuing them because of one box that's unchecked or one box that you. Don'T want to be in. Yeah. So is that box so significant and important that you're going to stop yourself from pursuing a connection that could otherwise be really beautiful? Don't obsess over it, or don't make that your grounder your grounding point. All right, last one. Okay. How do you navigate the fear and vulnerability that comes with opening up about your feelings and needs in a relationship? I hate that question. Yeah, I know. You hate it because you struggle with vulnerability. Or maybe I'm helping, or maybe you're the perfect one because you struggle so much with it. Yeah, I think for me, it's always like I know that communication is super important with literally any relationship. And I try to think of, like, for instance, this recent example. I was trying to think of what it is that I want to attract, and I tried to focus on that specifically because that was my focal point. I was okay with flipping that 50 50 chance. And I'm not saying that it was easy, because it definitely was not. But I was okay with knowing that if it doesn't go my way, I'm okay with still being vulnerable, having this conversation. I'm okay with being scared. I know that good things come out. Of being scared, but you're doing it anyway. Yeah, I'm going to do it anyway. I have no choice. If I want to get from A to Z, this is what I have to do. Yeah, I push people really hard to be vulnerable and be open and communicate. Like, I preach it, and I praise you so hard for doing it. But I really think it's because I've been called a hypocrite before, because I push people to be vulnerable, and I push people to open up and to ask for help and to share what they're feeling, and it is hypocritical. But I think why I push and I praise people so hard for doing it or to do it is because I know what happens when you don't, when you just don't, period. I lived that my whole life. I've lived what happens when you're not vulnerable ever. And it's horrible. There's such a lack of human connection that people will literally leave you because. You don't open up I've been given ultimatums. All I had to do was say my feelings. But it's hard where I wish people could read my mind so I wouldn't have to say it because I know they wouldn't leave if I just said it. But I can't. So that's why I push people to do it. And that is something I still struggle with because with the guy I'm seeing now, I still can't even take credit for my vulnerability. And where we're at now is a really good place and I'm way more vulnerable and we communicate so much more. But it took me breaking up with him getting back together and then him forcing me, it was forced out of me to open up where I wanted to be back and he was like, that's funny. No. What do you think this is? Yeah, I had to open up. My back was against the wall and it was slow. He was so patient with me opening up, but that isn't something you should I did not expect that from him and I should not expect that from him. And I even got comfortable relying. But to be fair, though, I do think it takes a special type of man to give you the space to be vulnerable. Not every man knows how to do. That, but that's also a conversation that we had about how in touch he is with his feminine side and I think that made him so patient with me in his level of understanding of like he was so patient. But yeah, I think that's why I'm at where I'm at now in the relationship and I've grown so far with vulnerability, but I can't take credit necessarily for why I've been vulnerable. Yeah. But I can say that I will push anyone and praise anyone who is or to be because I firsthand know how far off the beaten path you'll get if you're not. The more and more that I read this, the more that I'm like, I think fear should be the fuel that allows you to be vulnerable. I mean, fear is the fuel for almost every that we take in life. Yeah, but I think don't let it hold you back. Just dive in. It's not easy. And we're literally going to keep saying this because it's really not, it's not easy doing it. But you'll never have vulnerability without fear. But I think you'll be grateful that the universe takes people out of your life that aren't matching up with what you want and it'll put people that are supposed to be in your life, that's gross. And to say that I'm no longer this person that's going to lie to herself and says she wants to be in an open relationship or friends with benefits and can finally say she wants something a little bit more serious and intentional, that to me is a win in itself and I'm okay with that. You want to know what it brings me back to, though, is when Alina was polyamorous. I wasn't polyamorous. Whatever. You were in an open relationship. Yes. No offense to anyone. Even though it's funny because Harold says that we weren't technically in an open relationship, but that's like the closest. Whatever, Harold. Yeah, that's the closest word we could find to describe what we were doing. To go off of that. I remember telling you in the freaking podcast booth, I don't think that you really want that, first of all. And you were like, yeah, I can handle it. I can do that. I'm like, you can handle it? Because I did want that at that phase of my life, that Alina wanted it. Yeah. And I think that's important to know. That you are going to be as if that's what you wanted. And that's why I was arguing, because I'm like, I know that bitch doesn't want that, but that's not true. You're still not saying it correctly. That version of myself, 1000%, wanted to be that and explore that and explore it and experience it. This version of Alina does not want that anymore. Now I want something different. You're allowed to change. I know that, but I think I felt like you had to experience that, but that wasn't what you were going to end up with or needed. No one was saying that that's what I was going to end up in. I think I was scared that that's what end up in. But it wasn't good for you. Oh, my God, that's so funny. No, I knew you had to experience. That, but I think the way you were talking about it, you're so commanding when you talk about things, it's like you stated as fact, like, I'm doing this and DA DA DA DA. I'm like, oh, no, the rest of your life, like, what? No, I don't think that's right. I'm like, yes, experience it, live it. I wanted you to live that, but I didn't want you to get in your own way to me. I knew you needed to experience it, but I almost looked at it as like a guard up. See, and at that time, it wasn't a guard up. But if I were to say that right now, 1000%, that is me putting up a guard. But I think I was looking at it. I wasn't looking at it presently. I was only looking at it retrospectively future spectrum. Oh, no. You thought that was me, like, at 80 years old in an open relationship, in a polyamorous relationship. So I think that's why it made me so nervous. No, see, that's the beauty of being human. You're allowed to change. You're allowed to evolve. Like, that version of me is no longer the version that I am today while I'm sitting here. I was just being protected. And let's stress that people are allowed to change. No, they are. And that's a good learning experience, because if anybody saw how uncomfortable. I was. I literally was watching the episode, like, not that long ago, and I just remember seeing the crypt facial expression. I was crippled. You're like what? Trying so hard. But I think it's just because I'm so protective over you. Was it two years ago now? Yeah, I think I was putting you in a box with it and being like, oh, I don't want that because I don't want that for you. Yeah, sounds about right. You're like, mom knows best. Yes. I'm extremely uncomfortable now. We're going to talk about it because. I support you, but I'm going to see her with a smile on my face and not like it. You're funny. And it's literally like, I just met some girl a couple of weekends ago, and she does open relationships, and she's been doing it with someone for like, six or seven years or some shit like that. And what came out of her mouth is exactly how I thought back then. Is it's hard for her to believe that you can find all of these qualities in one human being? So many more people have open relationships than you realize. So many married couples. Yeah, I'm floored. I'm like, what the hell? You're a false advertisement. At least be open about being in an open relationship, because you're fooling everyone else thinking that you're not. I'm telling you, it works for some people. But I just wish if people were that they were more open about it. And maybe that's the conversation that needs to be had is maybe being more. Honest about that, dissolving the taboo around it. Because yes, I think especially as a child, we're fed such unrealistic dynamics of what relationships and marriage and everything's supposed to look at like that. We come into adulthood like, this is what I want, and this is what I have to get. And then you see a plethora of. Options and you're like, wait, what the fuck? I can do that instead. Oh, my God. Wow. That was a nice long episode. Yeah. I think we got everything out that we needed to talk about. We did. Now you guys know I'm no longer in my fun phase. I'm in my intentional soft phase. But you're dating someone, so that's good. I know. And she could say it out loud. I actually and on the pod went to him the other day and I was like, I acknowledged your existence for the first time. You're insane ever. Wow. Hopefully you learned something. Okay. This is Taylor. We still have pneumonia. And this is shit just got real.